Dare to be True

Living honestly and authentically

is no easy feat.

As the year comes to an end I think about how authentic I’ve been with myself. In relationships, friendships and even short interactions. Who am I portraying? and when is that portrayal a set of illusions created to distract you from the real me. This year has been particularly difficult as it began with a loss, then gain, then loss then…well you get the picture.

The loss of a relationship and friendship that was so strong but foundations crumbled when the going got tough. I reflect and think about when we were laying each brick was the concrete actually solid to cement our relationship? or another illusion created by what I believed to be right. Searching outside for something so clearly lacking inside. Why do we do that? I was listening to a podcast on millennial relationships recently and it commented on our incredible ability to avoid and truncate whenever possible. Texting, emailing or using social media or apps to meet and hook up. Anything possible to separate the physical from the emotional in order to shield ourselves from the potential of getting hurt. How do we avoid the avoidance? how do we ground ourselves and return to engaging with others, being thoughtful and caring about what happens rather than “ghosting” or leaving someone hanging?  How do we find the balance of playing it cool while still being present? I ask myself these questions, knowing I too have participated in avoidance behaviours.  Unfortunately, in an era of quick fixes, I find myself rationing my time and energy on things of value than things in passing. Managing multiple text messages, group chats, emails, social media, school work, clinical work, family…the list goes on. I mention these not to gloat but to illustrate how divided our time is, how distracted we are and how easily authentic interactions that require time and energy can fall by the wayside. In a time of being so connected, I’ve never felt so alone. So far away from human interaction, I sit here behind this keyboard expressing how I feel. I know many share this same feeling, yet we continue to scroll the infinite illusion fill the void of real human interactions. We post photos, collect likes, gain new “friends” delete old ones, visit places to take photos just to stay on trend.

But what do we gain? where does our time really go? living vicariously through others and constantly one-upping each other so we can elicit a greater response.

exhausted.

I find myself exhausted with trying to keep up. Trying to maintain the illusion. I pause to think ..so what do I do now? how do I work on building authentic relationships in a time of so much in-authenticity?

The loss of my grandmother put things into perspective for me.

She lived a simple life, she struggled, persevered with little to no help. She stood strong in the face of uncertainty and kept her priorities in check. Necessity outweighed fear, leaving no time to linger on over analyzing steps. She loved deeply and showed it in the things she did for others and herself. Despite losing her mother at an early age, she was sure of herself. She knew the importance of taking care of herself in order to care for her five children.

I think about her constantly, I find peace in her courage and sadness in her loss.

My mother always reminds me that our purpose is to lead lives that give us peace and give peace to the ones around us. I’m trying to allow peace to prevail over the deep sadness I feel. Admitting that I am sad creates vulnerability making me hesitate to admit it out loud. Admitting it out loud also brings me peace in validating that my feelings….a conundrum yes.

I think about my grandmothers’ strength and find the courage to remind myself that we may not have a clue what we are doing, we may not necessarily have role models or people guiding or way. All we can do is look inwards and realize we are our best motivators. Listening to ourselves and giving time to others maintains that sense of authenticity that I find myself so hungry for.

Limiting distraction and concentrating on what brings me peace and happiness is a goal I continue to set for myself-unapologetically. I do this without explanation to refuel, silently. To recenter and rebalance. To re-engage and uplift so I can do the same for others. I’m laying each brick with careful concern for the concrete in between. I want to fill the gaps to cement my foundation. It might mean I have to knock the walls down that already exist which is not easy but I will not succumb to the quick fixes that are so easily accessible. I will persevere as the women in my life did. I don’t have the answers, no but I know one thing for sure:

It’s in my hands and no one else.

in the face of fear and frustration

I must.

stay mindful and dare to be true

work to

stay truly authentic.